Saturday, April 12, 2008

Return of the bluebelt

Sooooo .. updates.

Recife Rob is now London Rob .. which isn't quite as phonetically catchy .. but word has it he'll return to Brazil before the turn of the decade. Until that happens Rob is not able to provide us with the straight dope from Brazil. Instead he has committed himself to pharmaceutical self improvement, so if you have any questions about the finer points of MDMA abuse .. fire away. Hopefully we'll see Rob's return to wonderland correspondent status in the near future.

Anyhow, this awesome-bluebelt(tm) is now living in Miami, wasting most of late-2007 and early-2008 with half assed workouts and the occasional roll with random folk at a boxing gym.

Let me explain something about training jiu jitsu at boxing gyms. Boxing gyms are gyms where people .. you know .. box, and as such they are not very suited towards rolling around on the floor. It just doesn't work. Too many people, complete lack of training structure, and too little mat space.

Of course I'm an utterly lazy dunce and couldn't be bothered to find an actual jiu jitsu team. Over time I found myself rolling on a monthly basis .. if at all. On the bright side I did improve my striking a lot. Jihad bitch.

Fast forward to last week. Completely fed up with the slump and re-committed to making purple .. I signed up at a new gym with a very legit blackbelt heading the competition team. Say hello to the first serious jits training I've done in months.

Oh crap.

Soon after the warm up begins .. we're jogging around the mats and a slight sense of dread hits my stomach. Right. Grappling Cardio does not equal Stand Up Cardio. Fuck.

30 minutes later and I'm in all sorts of agony. Due to the very jits specific warm up incorporating lots of things I haven't physically done in months I feel like I'm about to puke. Excellent. Fuck it, do or die .. semper fi .. twinkie soup .. tweedledoo .. etc.

The main class format is familiar enough, technique drills and sparring. The new place follows the 'one in the middle, rotate in on tap' format. Before I can figure out what's really going on I find myself on the business end of a resident heavyweight's mount .. wondering how the fuck things went so wrong so quickly. Luckily the side choke that follows quickly puts me out of my misery.

By the time I hit the mat the 2nd time the blackbelt has rotated in .. now this guy is a world class competitor .. at 220lbs the dude moves like marcelo garcia. Scary .. but also reassuring .. this guy has a lot to teach .. and he does it well.

Over the course of the next hour I find my jiu jitsu is pretty much where I left it. Sloppier but still effective against people of similar experience levels. Then, with about 20 minutes to go, the inevitable cardio crash happens .. at which point I turn into the grappling equivalent of Stephen Hawkings.

Imagine a wet rag competing at the Mundials .. now imagine this wet rag is too stubborn to quit .. and you'll get a pretty good idea of the horrors that unfolded next.

So .. focus points on the road to recovery:

A) mat cardio .. more mat cardio .. and some more mat cardio
B) drill drill drill drill
C) train .. a lot
D) consider putting on the gi again .. to get more mat time

And so it begins. Again.

Friday, January 11, 2008


Due to technical difficulties the Jiu Jitsu Wonderland has been inactive for a while .. by technical difficulties I mean I was too shitfaced to remember my login for several months.


As both me and Recife Rob are currently experiencing the much feared 'bluebelt for life' slump; where we drink a lot and don't train at all .. but critique people anyways on account of them being 'n00bs' .. we will focus the Wonderland towards being THE resource for recovering bluebelts.

Yes, give us your fat, give us your bored, give us your 'jesus-christ-I'm-never-making-purple-am-I'.


Bas and Rob

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Guard pulling for the streets

So many people ask me 'but Seabass, is it ok to pull guard in the street?' this I say 'duh'. Pulling guard is the most effective way to survive on the streets.

A lot of jiu jitsu players are really conservative in the things they pull guard on. This is nonsense. Me and Recife Rob advise you to pull guard often..and pull guard indiscriminately.

Meter maid writing you a ticket? Pull guard!
Drunkenly stumble into highway traffic? Pull guard!
Coke machine rips off your change? Pull guard!

Point being; when in doubt..pull guard!

Many people believe guard pulling is not for the streets....well..let's examine a real life street scenario:

See..this jiu jitsu player sees the imminent danger of the 452lbs bull storming at him. So what does he do? Right on..pull guard.

Jeff Monson does not weigh 452lbs people..and he does not have horns. Therefore..pulling guard for the win!

Thank you.

Stay tuned for our upcoming guide on the blubber guard. It will revolutionize(tm)(sp) the game by introducing lots of new names for old moves. Hooray!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Koala hug redux

Because lots of people have been asking me and Rob about the Koala hug halfguard game, I decided to provide you, the people, with a graphical redux of the key elements to a succesful koala hug.

Here's me koala hugging a plastic plant:

The straight dope from Brazil: Whitebelt Winning Ways

This installment of the straight dope elaborates on the previously announced tripple-S system and is brought to you straight from the beaches of Recife Brazil, thanks to our wonderland correspondent Rob. IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU!

The 3S method for whitebelt success
A part of the 3W (Whitebelt Winning Ways) series.

This method, developed by me and my family, is without doubt the most efficient and evolved method of whitebelt success thusfar developed in the world of IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU.

If you carefully follow the steps outlined herein your success in novice devisions of grappling tournaments will skyrocket in
very little time! Guaranteed!

The three steps of the 3S method are: Steroids, Squats and Suplexes. You could even say that there is a fourth step, Success!, but we believe that that is implicit and doesn't need to be spelled out to you at all.

Ok, onto the a├žai of the System (as you know we Brasillians all eat the Gracie diet - NO MEAT! - So there is no 'meat of the
system' huhu q:D ).

Step One: Steroids

The first thing you need to win as a whitebelt is strength, and I don't mean that wussy strength of character or strength of
technique, either. I mean big fuck-off retard strength muscles and sharply honed spaz reflexes.

The problem with getting strong is it takes time, and hard work. As we all know IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU is about efficiency. We don't
want no hard work to be beating the guy! So what is the IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU tecnhique to get big and strong real fast? I tell you my friend, is Steroids!

So what can you do to get your hands on steroids? Ok my friend, you have two choices. One you can go down your gym and ask the meatheads there for steroids, the one I recommend is Wynstrol because you less likely to pee it at the big competition, huhu! You can inject it once a week or if you like me and already fucked all your veins from when you were more into hitz than the jitz you can take a pill every day.

Anyway if the meatheads don't want to give you any of their fancy steroids then you remember to choke them out and write
IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU on their chests. That'll teach them.

Number two option you have is to find a sick cat with lukeimia and be taking this cat all around cat doctors and saving up all the hipodermics that they be giving you. Really I don't know the dosage for this at all and anyway is for fucking cats, what you want? Take it, don't be a pussy, you wanna win or not?

Step Two: Squats

Ok so now you full of juice and since you forgot to take a estrogen inhibitor now you got tits bigger than your mother, huhu. But man, you feel you not getting nor so big nor so strong? So what wrong? Ok my friend I tell you: you gotta squat.

Squats are the exercise that adds more weight and more strength to your body (and more importantly your legs) than any other! So go do some squats! Calculate your one rep maximum then do five sets of five with 60% of the maximum. Do this three times a week. Be sure to add 10 kilos to your squat EVERY week. If you find you can't do this then take more steroids and eat more!

Step Three: Suplexes!

Ok so you ever read the IBJJF rules? I mean really read them? So you see the part that talks about unconciousness? And this makes sense my friend, because is designed for for when you choke some spaz unconcious for him not to die! Is for the referee say 'ok man this guy is unconcious, is over'.

But you ever read this rule? It say 'if opponent made unconcious by any valid technique'. This include takdowns, and suplexes are a kind of takedown! Ok man but I don't mean that kind of takedown from Hulk Hogen and the silly clown who look a bit like bozo with a small bike and etc. I mean german suplexes. You ever see Fedor Vs Randleman where he throw the big russian on his head and everyone think he die? That what you wanna do.

So you throw the guy using your massive steroid and squats legs right on his head and hopefully he go unconcious. So maybe he die too, but technically he not concious so you win!

Just always remember to shout IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU after every guy you suplex. And remember to add one stripe on your whitebelt for every guy you kill! Soon you have ten stripes and win because no one want to fight you!

Is even more efficient, IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU!

Ok my friend I going to the beach now to play some football and see some chicks, so until my next instalment in the Whitebelt Winning Ways series: Oilchecks; the universal language of success!

Recife Rob / Hecife Hob

Monday, November 27, 2006

Crotchfit exercise of the week

After seeing the success of crossfit conditioning in both mma and jiu jitsu, I've decided to introduce the jiu jitsu community to a little something I like to call..crotchfit. As we all know hip and pelvic movement are the most essential set of physical attributes in the game of jiu jitsu.

This week's exercise is called the 'bootie bump'. It works well combined with positioning drills. Do 7 rounds of positioning drills with 30 seconds of bootie bumping in between.

The proof is in the pudding

So people have been questioning my totally awesome(tm) bluebelt jiu jitsu status. To shut all you naysayers up, here's proof that Distressed Koala Jiu Jitsu is the REAL DEAL.

Without further a's me kneebarring a 120lbs girl who dared to question DKJJ. That's right, represent. What.

The straight dope from Brazil

My friend Rob who trains in Recife Brazil, and gives me the straight dope on the latest and greatest from the coconut lands, informed me of the key to success as a whitebelt. He calls it the tripple-S system..or SSS if you will.

It stands for: Steroids, Squats, and Suplexes. These three key ingredients will ensure a succesful whitebelt competition record.

The key to getting strong are steroids, the key to being manly are squats, the key to winning in competition are suplexes. Put these three together and you will be a formidable jiu jitsu machine.

Thusfar this weeks straight dope from Brazil.

Technique of the week

The technique of the week is the Koala hug. Influenced by Distressed Koala Jiu Jitsu (straight from Brazil!) the koala hug is a half guard game based around hugging the leg..and looking distressed. You hug the leg and look distressed untill your opponent goes 'dude get off of me'. You can take that as a victory.

A recent example of the koala hug can be seen in the Coleman vs Fedor fight.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

So you wanna roll..

Things to consider before your first class...

1. Be agressive: if you're not agressive, you can't pwn n00bs..if you can't pwn n00bs..then what's the fucking point of jiu jitsu right?

2. Slamming is cool: slamming is cool and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The higher belts just like to tell whitebelts slamming is for n00bs, but in reality they know slamming is the key to succesful jiu jitsu competition. So make a statement and slam the first person to pull guard on you, preferably uttering 'HAHAH N00B!' as they stumble around in a near comatose daze.

3. Tapping is for pussies: serio..I don't even have to explain this one. If you tap, you might as well hand over your balls right now.

4. Cardio is for the weak: to be succesful at jiu jitsu, you need muscle..not cardio. Look, who needs an hour of gas if it only takes you 30 seconds to crumple up and pwn n00bs? right? Hammerhouse. HAMMERHOUSE!

5. Three pop rule: it takes three pops before you hurt anything..that gives you two whole pops of grunting and teeth grinding. Check out Randleman's last pride performance for reference material.

And thus it belt

Sooo..jiu jitsu. The better part of the last 2 years of my life have revolved around injuring joints, getting choked and strangled, and being crushed by people who both outweigh and outperform me. In other words, I started to train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

Now, 18 months and 50lbs later, I'm a fit 205lbs at 6,4ft. I received my blue belt on November 19th 2006. In case you were wondering, life in jiu jitsu starts at blue.

\o/ *hooray*

Sooo..I've decided to start this blog for several reasons. First and foremost to structure and focus my progress and training towards a purple belt. Secondly, to provide information for people just starting out in the sport on what to do and what not to do.

I'll also occasionaly go off on tangents about not getting laid and things like geopolitical instability. But mostly about not getting laid.