Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The straight dope from Brazil: Whitebelt Winning Ways

This installment of the straight dope elaborates on the previously announced tripple-S system and is brought to you straight from the beaches of Recife Brazil, thanks to our wonderland correspondent Rob. IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU!

The 3S method for whitebelt success
A part of the 3W (Whitebelt Winning Ways) series.

This method, developed by me and my family, is without doubt the most efficient and evolved method of whitebelt success thusfar developed in the world of IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU.

If you carefully follow the steps outlined herein your success in novice devisions of grappling tournaments will skyrocket in
very little time! Guaranteed!

The three steps of the 3S method are: Steroids, Squats and Suplexes. You could even say that there is a fourth step, Success!, but we believe that that is implicit and doesn't need to be spelled out to you at all.

Ok, onto the açai of the System (as you know we Brasillians all eat the Gracie diet - NO MEAT! - So there is no 'meat of the
system' huhu q:D ).

Step One: Steroids

The first thing you need to win as a whitebelt is strength, and I don't mean that wussy strength of character or strength of
technique, either. I mean big fuck-off retard strength muscles and sharply honed spaz reflexes.

The problem with getting strong is it takes time, and hard work. As we all know IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU is about efficiency. We don't
want no hard work to be beating the guy! So what is the IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU tecnhique to get big and strong real fast? I tell you my friend, is Steroids!

So what can you do to get your hands on steroids? Ok my friend, you have two choices. One you can go down your gym and ask the meatheads there for steroids, the one I recommend is Wynstrol because you less likely to pee it at the big competition, huhu! You can inject it once a week or if you like me and already fucked all your veins from when you were more into hitz than the jitz you can take a pill every day.

Anyway if the meatheads don't want to give you any of their fancy steroids then you remember to choke them out and write
IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU on their chests. That'll teach them.

Number two option you have is to find a sick cat with lukeimia and be taking this cat all around cat doctors and saving up all the hipodermics that they be giving you. Really I don't know the dosage for this at all and anyway is for fucking cats, what you want? Take it, don't be a pussy, you wanna win or not?

Step Two: Squats

Ok so now you full of juice and since you forgot to take a estrogen inhibitor now you got tits bigger than your mother, huhu. But man, you feel you not getting nor so big nor so strong? So what wrong? Ok my friend I tell you: you gotta squat.

Squats are the exercise that adds more weight and more strength to your body (and more importantly your legs) than any other! So go do some squats! Calculate your one rep maximum then do five sets of five with 60% of the maximum. Do this three times a week. Be sure to add 10 kilos to your squat EVERY week. If you find you can't do this then take more steroids and eat more!

Step Three: Suplexes!

Ok so you ever read the IBJJF rules? I mean really read them? So you see the part that talks about unconciousness? And this makes sense my friend, because is designed for for when you choke some spaz unconcious for him not to die! Is for the referee say 'ok man this guy is unconcious, is over'.

But you ever read this rule? It say 'if opponent made unconcious by any valid technique'. This include takdowns, and suplexes are a kind of takedown! Ok man but I don't mean that kind of takedown from Hulk Hogen and the silly clown who look a bit like bozo with a small bike and etc. I mean german suplexes. You ever see Fedor Vs Randleman where he throw the big russian on his head and everyone think he die? That what you wanna do.

So you throw the guy using your massive steroid and squats legs right on his head and hopefully he go unconcious. So maybe he die too, but technically he not concious so you win!

Just always remember to shout IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU after every guy you suplex. And remember to add one stripe on your whitebelt for every guy you kill! Soon you have ten stripes and win because no one want to fight you!

Is even more efficient, IZAGRACIEZHOOZHITSU!

Ok my friend I going to the beach now to play some football and see some chicks, so until my next instalment in the Whitebelt Winning Ways series: Oilchecks; the universal language of success!

Recife Rob / Hecife Hob


Anonymous said...

That was the funniest fuckin' blog I've ever read.

Maha-mantra das said...

This is the first time I'v visited your blog and you left me in STICHES laughing.

Thanks for your humour, and, ummm, the 'Whitebelt Winning Ways'.


Magnus said...

Funny shit.
Actually posting here because i am takin a semester off in brazil...Planning on living in northern area, like recife and wondering if there is possibility to train jiu-jitsu without speaking portugese?

Magnus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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